SKULL SQUAD

SKELETON TROOPS OF THE SS! so I was trawling through Help the Aged and this just cried out to me (much like the aged might do, if they could raise enough volume to be heard over my Nu Rave mp3's- yeah good luck grandad!) it looks very promising with all the hordes of Nazi undead on the cover, but that shot on the back is the ONLY actual instance of walking corpse. Shot in crappy black and white this features a lot of hanging around in the horrors-of-war settings, and only scant whiff of evil hordes. Rubbish 3/10

HANK: i dont; know about you brits, but i can't wait to kick jerry's sorry ass to kingdom come!
JAQUES: hoh hoh hoh 'ank- you gungo 'o yankies..
HANK: screw you frenchie! (looks around desolate trench barrack) what about you edgybob?
EDGYBOB: shutttttup shuttup shtuup stupid american...they'll hear you! THEY'LL HEAR YOU!
HANK: nah, there's nothing alive out there tonight
JAQUES: zis is zee problem! is zee "dreade bavarian battalion!"

NINJA GODZOMBIE

NINJUUUU ZOMBUUUU!!!! This has to been seen to be believed, and even then you'll have doubts. I knew I was in for a treat when I hauled this baby out of a box in KC's house clearance.
It's a terrible mysteries of the east type thing married to some bad zombie action- a traveling Eastern trader brings an ancient curse down upon smalltown USA- the spirit of 'T'cheng Li' possess corpses and compels them into some bad kung-fu. Luckily some tourists happen to be martial arts champs yadda yadda yadda. 70 mins and 400 corpses later there's a wedding. 8/10

TRADER: ohno! i have foolishly broken the easily destructible artifact of honourable T'cheng Li- i most seriously hope the curse rumors are highly exaggerated!
AMERICAN: hey there sunshine- i wanted to buy that doohickey with my credit card!
TRADER: i am sorry most respected consumer, but this accident will prohibit the transaction
AMERICAN: shucks, i was gonna use it as a present for my dead buddie's wife- it his funeral boyhowdy.
TRADER: i am most solly...
door bursts open..
AMERICAN: jees louse! howard! arent you dead?
HOWARD'S NINJA CORPSE: yes, now prepare for the curse of T'cheng Li....HI-YAH!!

WENDY

WENDY... this little curate's egg of a video was located in one of my many pilgrimages to PILL CAR BOOT sale. It's a fairly well-made thriller with vague supernatural elements.
The plot concerns a remote Hotel, Mario the hero of the piece is called out to undertake repairs on the property, which seems immediately creepy to him and his brother who assists him.
The pair get caught up in the Hostess's plot to murder her strange Father and claim his estate. Things take a turn for the macabre as it seems the old fellow has eerie magic powers, wooooooo.
Notable for it's terrible English dubbing, where Italian accents are badly faked. 4/10

WENDY: look mario, help me off the old fool and i'll share his riches with you...
MARIO: i dont'-a-know. i'm just ze simple tradesman.
WENDY: please! just one little clout with your plumbing tools... he's in there (points to door)
MARIO opens door and enters room: prepare-a-to die, old man- GASPS
OLD MAN: i see you have noticed my many, many toasters... now YOU prepare to die... (uses magic powers)

ROBOT CANNIBAL

This is something of a rarity- a video that manages to be a sci-fi and a splatterer (and poorly made) all at once! There are some highly awesome moments- plasticy android stuffing human flesh into his facial compartment- and an unsual twist that I wont reveal.
All in all, good robo fun. 8/10

ROBOT: humans, prepare for flesh consumption process.
TONY: get away from me, you metal maniac! (cocks rifle)
ROBOT: conventional ordinance will most likely prove futile.
TONY: fuck you, you metal fuck! (fire rifle at robot)
ROBOT: damage minimal. face removing unit
TONY: no!!!! my face!!! my fffffffbbbbllllll(becomes unintelligible as face is removed)
GLADYS: not his face you steel bastard!
ROBOT: yes. his face. then his spine
GLADYS: nooooooooooooooo

GUTS

THEY BITE! THEY TEAR!! THEY EAT...your guts it seems! This particular little nasty is dripping with squelchy-looking gristle FX- and has a plot that pulls ridiculous turns to wedge in as much creatures-bursting-from-abdomens scenes as possible. Its a bit reminiscent of, say, Basket Case in that it give a surprising amount of character development to the central monster- which is implanted in unsuspecting Hospital patients, only to gorily chew it's way out later. Of course there is a climatic showdown between the Head Surgeon and the Hero where we discover the 'Guts' are in fact the first wave of an alien invasion, but you saw that coming didn't you? 7/10


DUDE 1: Awww man, we gotta pull over and like that, urgently ya dig?
DUDE 2: Nah dude, I gots to get uptown- meet some girls and like that, yeah?
DUDE 1: Seriously Bro, I need to make a deposit!
DUDE 2: Again!?
DUDE 1: For real
DUDE 2: Word (pull over at roadside)
DUDE 1 leaves car urgently and rushes to nearby cover, undoing his belt as he goes.
SFX: scream
DUDE 2: Whatintha? you allright and such there pal?
DUDE 1 rushes back into shot- his stomach torn open
DUDE 1: Dude! my guts!!! my guts dude!! dude!!!
DUDE 2:That's some heavy shit! (slams on the accelerator and pulls off, leaving DUDE 1 slumped in a bloody heap)

FRANKENSTEIN APOCOLYPSE

And here we have Frankenstein Apocolypse! you can tell this was made in mexico.. even the spelling of APOCALYPSE is wrong!!
However this film is actually pretty good all around- tonnes of gore, doomy electronic music and that's not mentioning Tough Cop/Frankenstein slayer RUSH KEMP!!! A very amusing character, quite out of place in this otherwise standard blood n' guts affair. 7/10


PETER: I cant' stop worrying- what are those THINGS out there?
SHELLEY: I know peter, it's horrible... the electricity has been out for days, and I haven't seen anyone else about this hotel either....
PETER: Shut up darling, I think I can hear something..
RUSH KEMP BURSTS IN
RUSH: Shut up you two fools! Don't you know we're dealing with FRANKENSTEINS here?
SHELLEY: Frankensteins? Oh shut up! that can't be
PETER: But it is! I see them now! JESUS christ- they're intent on chewing our bones!
RUSH: Then they aint' met Ole' Santy yet... (brandishes large gun)

AXEMAN HOLOCAUST

It's always nice to see a film that truly pushes the boundaries of cheap.
Axeman.. is a misleading title for the film, as it features no holocaust and barely any axes. An exploitative chunk of rubbish that plays on the well-used theme of war veterans going crazy after being experimented on by the government. Amusingly cast with a troupe of non-actors Axeman.. is heavy on the syrup (we are to blame, man is the real monster) and light on the gore. 5/10

CHAD: Hey c'mon stacey- we're all alone in this fairly luxurious although abandoned house..
STACEY: I know chad, I know.. i just get the feeling that something bad is going to happen..
CHAD: Oh stacey, It's not like a mad axeman is on the rampage!
RADIO: Attention!!! police warn mad axeman on rampage..
STACEY: Jesus christ! we should get out of here chad!.....chad?...chaaaaad?
AXEMAN: rrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!